Shattered Truth
by sparkycola1
Summary: Harper goes AWOL - Again. Dylan is NOT happy... Harper angst. Spoilers for Bunker Hill, please r and r.
1. Default Chapter

**Title: **Shattered Truth

**Author:** SparkyCola

**Rating:** PG-13 for violence and one word.

**Disclaimer: **Ok ok... they're not mine- just don't tell the Harper locked in my basement that...

**Spoilers: **'Bunker Hill' definitely, 'Ouroborus' technically, and also 'Abridging the Devil's' divide lightly.

**Author note: **please R and R! Don't forget to visit the site for angst fanfiction:

**Archiving:** In case you want it, I give MW, Harperion, Gordon, and all the Harperchondriacs permission to archive it.

**Shattered Truth**

Teaser Chapter - The Note

At least he'd left a note this time.

"_I've decided to take a self-appointed holiday to Infinity Atoll, don't have any wild parties while I'm away, I'll be back in a few days. In the meantime you'll have to try and get by without your resident genius, Seamus Z Harper."_

Beka could almost feel the anger radiating off Dylan. He looked at the note darkly, then slammed it down and turned to her. She knew why he was angry. The first few times Harper had gone AWOL Dylan had let him off but the last time, Harper had expressly said he wouldn't do it again. She despaired. She knew Harper had been long over-due a break, but Harper had already lost Dylan's trust and this was really crossing the line...

She was tempted to take Dylan's side, but Harper wasn't here to defend himself so for the moment she tried to reason with him. She felt conspicuously caught in the middle, and this made her even more frustrated at Harper.

The world-ship could come any day now- was there really any excuse to take a holiday right now? She sighed dejectedly as Dylan stormed off.

TBC- pleeease r and r :)


	2. The Guilty

The Guilty

Harper landed. He sometimes felt this was truly where he belonged, that he should, perhaps, stay one day. It seemed unlikely- but he still got that feeling.

Looking around in familiarity, he stepped off the Eureka Maru and onto his home planet. It may not be Infinity Atoll, but Earth was where he needed to be right now. He immediately went underground to safer places.

Hearing a fusillade of clicks, Harper looked up and found himself at the centre of a circle of guns. Perhaps it wasn't so much safer after all. He recognised these people, and he recognised their anger and why it was directed at him, but he had still come for a reason.

"Where's Brendan?"

The crowd stared at him silently, with ever increasing hatred and anger. Finally the one facing him spoke. It was Jay, an old friend, with scruffy sandy coloured hair and green eyes that never seemed to change.

"You want to know where Brendan is?"

The amount of bitterness, which dripped from these words, hurt Harper, and for a moment he lost his courage and determination.

Without giving him time to answer, Jay shoved Harper along the corridor. As they walked, Jay began to cry softly. Feeling more than a little uncomfortable, Harper had no idea what to do.

"Jay-"

"Shut Up."

Hatred burned passionately within Jay, and Harper hung his head in shame.

"You have no idea what you've done Seamus. My-"

Jay took a deep breath and tried to calm himself enough to say the words.

"My brother died yesterday because of you. You and your broken promises!"

His shouts echoed around the tunnels until Jay became self-conscious and they walked in silence. The words felt like a knife to Harper, slicing into his very core, into his very being, and he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He remembered Jay's brother. He'd been a good kid.

"Robert..." he whispered with painful regret.

"Don't you dare say his name! You gave us false hope, broke your promise and because of that hundreds of people are dying- so what did you do? You ran away. Again."

Jay went on emotionally.

"Why are you back- why did you come back here? I mean really? And don't say it was because of a cousin you never deserved either; if you cared about him at all you would have stayed- fought alongside him, watched his back! If you'd been here..."

Jay stopped walking. His whole presence seemed drowned in sadness. He opened a door Harper hadn't even realised they'd reached. Metal plaques covered the floor, which was otherwise dirt.

"If you'd been here Brendan might still be alive."

Harper's vision blurred as this new information turned from words into meaning. His eye caught the cheap metallic plaque which read 'Brendan Lahey. A brave light in the face of darkness, burned out too soon."

He fell to his knees beside and traced the engraved words with his fingers. Forgetting anyone else was in the room, his shell-shocked and confused mind spun without any definitive thought for a moment. The first clear thought was _I knew he might be dead why am I still so unprepared?_

He got up quickly and took a step back, still in shock. He had seen enough death in his lifetime to understand so many different aspects of it – a fact he tried not to think about. Brendan was the last of his family- that was new to him. But Brendan wasn't the first to die because of him. Seamus Zelazny Harper kept a running total; Catrin and Jaimz Harper, mom and dad; Isaac; Hohne; Woody; and now Brendan. The only one of his family left was the only one that didn't deserve to be left.

His heart and mind in passionate turmoil all he could think was, _this isn't fair! He can't be dead, how can he be dead? Brendan was a survivor, he was all I had left, why did he have to die- WHY?!_

In tears he ran out of the room shoving past the crowd who had watched him. Jay's anger dissipated instead to pity and empathy. He had forgotten how close the two cousins had been, and now he felt guilty for his lack of sympathy in telling Harper.

"Let him go." He said quietly.

Harper ran blindly through the familiar tunnels until they became unfamiliar and he found himself lost. He used to know these tunnels like the back of his hand, but things had changed. He slid down the side corridor into a slightly concave part of the wall. He didn't know what to do. Fighting his bereavement, he forced himself to get up. When he stood up shakily, he noticed Jay, a little way off, watching him. He looked as confused as Harper felt. He just stared at him helplessly.

"I'm sorry Shay, I really am. I forgot how close the two of you were. But it's still your fault you know that don't you?"

Harper continued to stare at him, desperately, distraughtly. After a while he said, more to himself that to Jay.

"He's dead"

His voice was hoarse and wavered in an attempt not to cry.

"But Shay-"

"I know!! It's always my fault it's MY fault, not the Uber who killed him MINE just like my freakin parents"

Harper yelled at the top of his voice. The echo only added more emphasis to his words, and the lonely anger they implied. He shoved past Jay angrily, but Jay didn't let him go this time. He jumped on him from behind and together they slammed to the ground. Struggling to breathe under the weight Harper fought against Jay, but he couldn't and Jay brought out a knife from his belt. Harper wasn't so naïve as to go to Earth unarmed, so he grabbed for his gauss gun, but before he could register the move, Jay had knocked it out of his hand.

"Seamus you killed my brother! You will not leave this time I won't let you run away again!"

Harper grabbed for the knife in his belt and they tumbled in the dirt, a ball of fists, knife wounds and blood. Both screaming in pain, finally Jay grabbed hold of Harper's shirt and pulled him down, but Harper fought hard enough so that the shirt ripped. Jay was left, too weak to follow Harper, a strip of ripped cloth in his hand.

Harper was too weak to run himself, but he kept going on adrenaline until he reached the Maru and locked the door panel with bloodied hands. He felt drained, physically now as well as emotionally, but he knew he had to take care of his worst wounds or he would simply bleed to death with no body to save him. First he took care of his hand; he'd instinctively tried to protect himself from Jay going at his face by putting his hand up in defence. He cleaned and bandaged his right arm next; Jay had given him a long and deep gash down the top part of his arm, which was already coming out of numbness into intense pain. When he was done he had a total of seven bandages. He'd sprained his wrist and had several smaller cuts, some of which were still bleeding slightly, but he was simply too tired to deal with them. Slouching down in the pilot's seat, he managed to get away from Earth before he fell asleep and was left to float.

For three days he drifted aimlessly, barely eating or sleeping, trying to gather his thoughts. His family was gone. His home was gone. He could never return to Earth and that hurt him more deeply inside than he ever imagined it would. He couldn't go back to the Andromeda yet, it had been five days. His decisions flowed in and out like a tide. Sometimes he felt stronger and was determined to go back to the Andromeda and act like everything was fine; other times he felt like everything around him was collapsing and all he wanted was the support of a friend. He'd lied to them in the first place because he didn't want anyone to go with him. He knew Dylan would make him take someone. Besides, if he knew the truth, Dylan might feel guilty. Harper felt a surge of anger. Maybe Dylan should feel guilty- it was his fault! He wasn't there when Earth needed him and now Brendan was dead....but deep down Harper knew Dylan did the best he could.

Really, it had been because he didn't want them to see him like this; so weak and pathetic. He didn't want their pity. He'd known it was likely Brendan was dead. He would have been on the front line, he always went in all for nothing, but he was a good fighter and somehow Harper had hoped...

It was all too late now anyway. With his infinite experience in losing somebody, Harper figured he would be ok to return to Andromeda so long as he kept busy, and it would become easier as the months wore on, gradually but noticeably. He hoped they understood when he told them the truth. First he had to get himself together a bit better, and give the nanobots more time to do their job.

TBC


	3. The Contemplation

The Contemplation 

Dylan watched, leaning over a railing over engineering. It seemed less lively without Harper, but it hadn't collapsed. When Dylan had made his decision and said:

"Lieutenant Flinte you're in charge until Harper gets back."

He never realised with how much vigour and enthusiasm Jason Flinte would take to it. He knew that Jason was a good guy, smart and competent, that's why he chose him...and he wouldn't be off on personal project building all the time either. Perhaps he would follow orders as well. Was the only reason for Jason Flinte not being Chief Engineer because of Dylan's bias towards Harper? Somehow is didn't seem right that somebody who worked so hard and was a perfect candidate for Chief Engineer should be held back because Harper had an unfair advantage. How would Harper take it if he got demoted in place of Flinte?

Dylan stopped himself. Sure he had threatened Harper with losing his job on a third strike...but he was being unfair. For one thing, there was never a first strike, which meant Harper still had one 'strike' left. Harper worked hard too, and ok so maybe he spent a lot of time on other projects, but those other projects had saved their lives plenty of times in the past, they were not built purely for himself, they usually benefited the whole crew. Besides, none of the engineering team was honestly smarter than Harper- he was genuinely the best engineer. Something form his training sprang to mind...

_A leader doesn't have to be the best at the job, just the best at communicating and leading._

Dylan shook his head of these thoughts. Things had gone well enough with Harper in charge so why change? Dylan was too angry with Harper for his judgement to be fair. His anger began to ease as he remembered all Harper had been through. He needed a break, he probably just forgot he was supposed to ask, he hadn't grown up with Commonwealth schooling after all, as Beka had been reminding him among other things. Beka was no pushover, she'd had Harper as an engineer for longer, so Dylan sighed and gave in. That didn't mean Harper was getting off easy when he got back though. After last time he should have known better, and despite her sticking up for him, he could tell Beka wasn't too happy with him either.

The Return

As soon as Harper stepped out of the Maru and into the glare of Dylan and Beka, he knew what he'd been dreading for the past hour or so was about to take place. He tried to form the words he'd planned, to tell them the truth, but as soon as he thought of Brendan all he could do was try not to break down in front of them. As it happened he couldn't get a word in edgeways if he'd wanted to.

Dylan and Beka started, and had they not been so angry they might have noticed the clenched jaw and pained look. Beka may have defended him, but that didn't mean she thought it was ok, and was expressing as much. For Harper the situation was unbearable. He needed support from them. He'd lost the only family he's had left and he didn't need this. He cut them off with a terse 'Shut up!' and stormed out.


	4. The Return

Thanks for the reviews so far! reviewers

The Return (cont.d)

Harper POV

Shut up. What was he 5?

Shut up. Man was he going to get in trouble for that.

How many things could he have said infinitely better than 'Shut up'?!

He wasn't really angry about that though. He was angry at Beka and Dylan for not giving him a chance to explain, angry at himself for finding it so hard to tell them, and angry for letting Brendan die. Beka was still pretty pissed off, now wasn't the right time- she probably wouldn't let him explain again. In a way, he was even angry at Beka and Dylan for not noticing he was in pain. A knock came. It was either Beka or Dylan. It had to be. He envisaged the conversation they'd had to decide which of them confronted him. '_Let me talk to him Dylan I've known him longer than you have...'_

"Harper?"

He was right; Beka. He let her in reluctantly.

"Harper...what happened back there exactly?"

What did she want him to say? He just wanted to be alone, think over things.

"Is there even the slightest chance you'll go away right now?"

She crossed her arms. No then.

"Harper, you've just had a week in Infinity Atoll- usually this makes you happier not...snappier. So are you going to tell me what happened?"

Harper felt a lump in his throat. He felt this indefinable reluctance to tell her. Part of him wanted to tell her, but it was as though telling her would give her an advantage against him... He felt vulnerable as though Andromeda was all he had left now, even though he knew she would never use it against him. Now he could never go back to Earth, he had no one attached to him that could call him away...

Before he could properly formulate his thoughts, Beka had given up on him, not comprehending the scale of what he was trying to tell her.

"Harper if you're not going to tell me then sort out the attitude yourself because Dylan is not happy with you right now."

She hadn't even given him a chance and now she was being icy with him. He felt the anger inside of him rise up with ease.

"Whatever, I'm busy ok so just go."

He turned to some device within his reach away from Beka. She sighed in frustration and left. Harper sat on his bed against a wall and stared into space. He was upset, confused, and most of all angry. These were all natural. Unfortunately he was directing this anger in the wrong direction. Wherever it should be directed, it wasn't at anyone who dared to speak to him. He'd even lashed out at a crewman who'd said 'hi' to him. He put his head in his hands and realised just how tired he was. But he couldn't go to sleep. He couldn't re-live what he'd just been through on Earth.

Harper had eventually fallen asleep despite his best efforts, and the next morning overslept his alarm. The exhaustion he felt didn't help his mood when he arrived at engineering. However, he found work absorbing and comforting, which took his mind off things for a while, until that is, ensign Leah Kaye clumsily brushed his arm making the half formed scar bleed again. He yelped and she turned around surprised.

"I'm so sorry chief are you ok?!"

He mumbled something but it was too late. Leah had seen the small patch of blood seeping through and engineering turned into an active hub of concern with Harper the centre of attention.

"Guys, guys I'm fine I'm – look just leave me alone ok?" he snapped impatiently, "Honestly, it's fine, it's nothing."

Embarrassed, Leah carried on with her work, and Harper left engineering, partly to get away from the noise and attention, but mainly because he'd been completely ignoring the injuries he'd sustained up to this point, and judging from the pain, it was now infected. How could he explain to Trance how he'd obtained the injuries? Injuries obtained from a friend, a friend who now hated him enough to want to kill him. Would she understand? He couldn't relate to this Trance as easily...she seemed tougher than his Trance had been. Perhaps she wouldn't have the same sense of sympathy...

Ashamed at the idea of telling her, he turned into his bedroom instead. He cleaned it up as best he could, stuck on another bandage awkwardly and put on a fresh shirt. Looking into his array of medicines he brought out some antibiotics and took them. He felt guilty for snapping at Leah, the whole crew in fact. Actually when he thought about it, he'd been unfairly rude to many of them. Now the fire within him had burned out, leaving him even more tired than before; he could no longer muster the same degree of anger. Exhausted, he rolled onto his bed, trying to avoid any of his injuries and fell asleep.

"Andromeda locate Mr. Harper."

"Harper is in his quarters with privacy mode engaged."

Dylan sighed. Lieutenant Flinte had been working four hours before Harper even got up, then Harper worked for two hours and went back to his quarters.

"Dylan, clearly the holiday didn't work- I think Harper is too stressed being chief of engineering. Maybe he would be better suited working under somebody else..."

Dylan looked at her in surprise...he wasn't the only one who was having these thoughts. Over the next few days he considered the option seriously.

TBC- please r and r.


	5. The Decision

The Decision

Dylan knocked and a sleepy, visibly irritable Harper opened the door. This alone managed to annoy Dylan, but he kept his patience. After a while of standing there, Harper said:

"Yes?"

"Can I come in?"

Harper hesitated, but stepped to one side; however when Dylan saw the state of the darkened room he changed his mind.

"...On second thoughts...let's go to my office..."

Harper followed him hesitantly, sensing trouble. Thinking about it he was relieved Dylan hadn't gone into his room and seen it with the lights on- he didn't want to have to explain the smashed items near walls. He had no idea what Dylan wanted to talk about, but after his attitude over the past days, it couldn't be good.

They entered, sat down and Dylan looked at him gravely.

"Harper, you are a brilliant engineer, but..."

He realised he had Harper's absolute attention and searched for the right words.

"You are the best engineer among the engineering crew, but I'm wondering if you're the best leader...because being the best engineer isn't everything. You've got to work hard as well, turn up for shifts, and not go off on holidays without permission – set an example.

Harper looked at him at first with suspicion, which slowly turned to betrayal.

"I do work hard." He said, dazed.

"I know but there are others who work harder. Lieutenant Jason Flinte for example; His work has been exemplary and I don't want to hold him back because I'm biased towards you, because I've known you longer, and we're...friends."

"Friends..." Harper echoed distantly.

This disturbed Dylan slightly, but he went on regardless.

"I've been talking to Rommie and she thinks, with your recent behaviour, you need time out from the stress of work."

Suddenly it hit Harper like a commonwealth cargo ship and he stood up in astonished alarm.

"Wh-What?!"

"The break will only be temporary, then you can get back to work again; under Lieutenant Flinte..."

"Jason? ...how could he..."

"Jason had nothing to do with it, he doesn't even know yet- it was my decision."

"Jason's good but he's not a genius, I mean- what was wrong with me in charge?!"

"Well...there have been complaints recently – about your attitude...and Rommie tells me you take 3-4 our breaks when you feel like it...Harper I warned you about the third strike. Your work has even been getting sloppy."

Harper was furious almost beyond words.

"Oh I see, I've saved your butts countless times and this is what I get? Well big freakin deal cos I don't have to work here, other ships would love a freakin genius for an engineer!"

Harper stormed out before Dylan could answer and ran to his room. He collected all his things together, and packed. Sitting on his bed despairingly, he tried to calm down and partially succeeded, but it felt like he'd lost everything. First Earth and now Andromeda, he really had lost anywhere he could call home, anyone he could call family. He heard a ship-wide announcement diplomatically declaring the 'changes'. He felt humiliated and his anger rose again. He jacked into Andromeda.

"This is a ship-wide announcement. I quit. Goodbye."

Angry tears fell and blurred his vision as he checked around his room to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything, and he nearly missed the one thing he could never leave behind; his old tin whistle.

In the storm one boy stood, tears streaming down his face and mingling with the rain.

"I could have saved you! Why didn't you give me in to them? Two lives for one... How could you?! I don't understand!!" he screamed against the noise of the wind.

He slammed the light metal into the graves of his parents and ran against the beating wind.

Brendan searched through the small box of items as Harper watched in curiosity.

"I got somethin' for you. Been saving it. Here...it's your old tin whistle."

Harper caught the instrument and deep memories resurfaced at the metal's very touch.

"...no, no no I- uh, I threw this-"

"Into you're parents grave. Yeah you did. I pulled it out for you; been savin' it. You know, for when you're ready to play it again."

Packing it alongside everything else his moment of reflection was interrupted by a knock at his door. He ignored it, but a second knock came.

"I'm busy go away."

The muffled reply came. Of all the people he might have expected, or hoped, he couldn't help but be surprised.

"Chief? It's me Jason...I just wanna..."

Harper opened the door. The memories of his dead family and the expression on Jason's face softened his feelings.

"Jason, before you say anything I know you had nothing to do with it, and hey I guess if I had to choose I would have chosen you too. I'm not mad at you."

"...you said you were leaving...please don't go. You obviously don't know how much you'd be missed or you wouldn't even think about leaving."

Harper laughed bitterly.

"Yeah sure. You know you're the first person I've seen since I made my announcement? Not Beka, not Trance, not Rommie, but my replacement. Kinda fitting huh."

Jason looked at him in amazement.

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Well anyways I gotta get going, but...thanks."

Jason nodded uneasily and left. Harper sighed. Then he saw the store of Neu Bayern Weissbrau he'd purchased on the last drift...

TBC


	6. The Truth

Thanks for the reviews ppl, they rele do make my day :)

The Truth

"Harper? Harper it's me...."

Harper, deliriously drunk and depressed gave an incoherent answer. Andromeda opened the door.

"Harper. ..."

Beka picked up an empty bottle and sighed. As Harper went to take another swig she grabbed it and shoved it out of the way with the remaining bottles. Harper was sitting cross-legged on his bunk surrounded by empty bottles and smashed glass. Tears ran down his face unrestrained and the helpless look he wore told Beka that the alcohol had perhaps not had the effect intended, but rather the adverse. She delicately navigated through the piles of things, broken and otherwise, and cleared a space next to him.

"You came."

"Of course I came Harper. Didn't think I'd just let you leave did you?"

Beka sat down next to him. After a few moments of silence, in which Harper focused on clearing his mind a little, Beka glanced at him.

"Harper, I won't let you leave you know."

"Then I'll just die." He slurred.

"You don't mean that. You're drunk."

"True, but it's not like I got anything to lose right now. I mean it's not anything...like I...I got nothing left."

"That's not true, you have me, and Trance, and Rommie..."

"HA! Rommie yeah right, I made her and what does she do in return? Freakin fires me!!"

"Well you have been acting strange lately. I'm not condoning what they did, but ....Seamus what happened on Infinity Atoll?"

"Wha?"

"Infinity Atoll. You know, where you went a few days ago."

"I didn't go to Infinity Atoll...what are you talking about?"

"How much have you had to-"

"I went to Earth!"

"Earth?!"

"Yeah..."

Harper began to sob, hiding his face in his hands. Beka put her hand on his arm but he yelped and leaped away from her.

"What's wrong?"

A struggle ensued, as Beka tried to see the damage. Finally Beka did see, as well as the fading bruises and grazes on his arm, and she stood up.

"Seamus tell me what happened. Why did you go to Earth?"

"It doesn't matter anymore Beka it's too late anyway- I lost everything!"

"Your job isn't-"

"Screw my job! I can get another job! I can't get another cousin. I can't get another Brendan..."

Things fell into place for Beka slowly but surely and she felt empathy for her distraught friend.

"Brendan's...dead?" She checked.

"They're all dead! My entire family is dead!"

"Oh...Seamus I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell me?"

She pulled him into a hug gently.

"I couldn't."

"But where did you get beaten up?"

"Where do you freakin think."

"Ok, Earth, but why?"

"Because I rallied them up to fight ....and then left them. With a freakin hopeless battle and now Brendan's dead because of me."

"But-"

"Along with my parents, and Hohne, and Woody, I don't deserve it Beka! They should have just let me die..."

"It wasn't your fault. And thinking it was won't help, it wasn't your fault you relied on Dylan, and it wasn't Dylan's fault he couldn't make it in time, it was just something that happened. I'm sorry that Brendan's dead, but I know he wouldn't blame you Seamus."

"I know he wouldn't."

"Do you feel guilty?"

"A little...

"I've been pretty impatient with the crew haven't I?" he said with slow deliberation.

"Impatient? You've been angry as hell for the past few days, but once Dylan knows why he'll give you your job back. You shouldn't be angry with yourself."

"I'm not angry at myself..." he muttered quietly, guiltily.

Beka caught on almost immediately. Crouching down she looked Harper in the eye. She saw the hesitant look of doubt on his face.

"I get it now." She said sadly.

Harper looked back at her.

"Seamus listen to me, it's ok to be mad at Brendan."

"I'm not mad at Brendan! How could I be- it's my fault he's dead..."

She gave him a look, a look that suggested she didn't believe him. He carried on.

"Even though.... I gave him the chance to come with me..." he choked on his words and looked up at her with tear-filled eyes.

"He could have come with me Beka!! He could have..."

Picking up an empty beer bottle he threw it against a wall.

"Why didn't you come with me?!! You'd still be alive! How could you leave me like that? How could you be so selfish? Now there's no one left but me! Now I'm all alone Brendan! How could you leave me alone?!!"

For not the first time during this conversation, Beka was glad Harper was drunk. He might never have said those things were he sober.

"Seamus, I'm here."

He looked at her in confusion.

"You're not alone. I'm right here."

Seamus hung his head slightly, embarrassed at his outburst. She lifted his head.

"I'm here, and tomorrow I'll be here, when we go and get your job back. And right now, we're going to see Trance, because this wound is infected."

She helped him to his feet, and they made their way to med-deck, ignoring the strange looks they got, to Trance who was waiting for them. She told Beka to go and tell Dylan everything, then set to work. Harper yawned and remembered the small fact that he was exhausted, the alcohol hadn't helped. Trance made him lie down.

"Where's Beka?"

"She's gone, but she'll come back."

"But-"

"Harper, I'm here too you know."

"...but...how do you....Did you?"

"You're drunk Harper."

"Ha! Not that drunk..." he slurred.

Trance smiled slightly as he fell into a drunken slumber.

The End.


End file.
